What I think about when I can’t sleep
What I think about when I can’t sleep
By August Kacey
Swan dive.
Fall deeper.
Drown.
Breathe in–but only when it hurts. If it doesn't go back under.
Let it wash over you. Let it drown you.
This is how things were meant to be, no? From ashes to ashes, dust to dust?
No, you are neither dust nor ash.
None shall remember you as an exploded star or a burnt-out inferno. You will be water.
Ever-encompassing, ever-changing, and slowly that water that makes you up will drift away. Little by little, bit by bit.
And there will be nothing to remember you by, not even a headstone, but you never did deserve one.
Monster, beast, unnatural, unholy.
Will they give you a grave, if only something for them to despise?
Or will even your worst enemy and best friend forget?
They will.
No one cared. Maybe that is why you will drown.
Water may be ever-changing, but it never leaves, no matter how it changes.
As water, people will like you. For once in your life you can be useful and you won't even know.
But is this peace not enough for you?
Why do your lungs burn?
They are encompassed in water, so burning should be impossible.
But that is just proof you haven’t faded away yet.
Proof you are still human.
Burning is the result of a fire, something real people get to come from and return to.
The stretching water might not even accept you after death, too angry to find peace.
This is how you will die.
Surrounded by the old, cold, warm, deep, shallow, deadly, preserving, protecting water.
And even it hates you, refuses to accept you.
But after everything, we can all agree you should never be granted a peaceful end.
Maybe this is how you will die.
Or maybe, repulsed by your nature, the water will let you live, if only your body can finish you off.
And after all this, you should know very well that you have been abandoned by everyone, and everything, and by the universe itself.
I doubt you'll make it to hell, as Ginnungagap is forced to claim you and remove your existence.
Go up.
Air.
Breathe in-
And repeat.
